Pieces: 3/6 - Last Train Home - Stackhouse/Markham

[rosiedoes]

Betas: darkmoon711 & shiny_starlight
Pairing: Stackhouse/Markham (Stackham)
Rating: PG-13ish
Warnings: Character death in later chapters.
Spoilers: Various season one; particularly The Brotherhood.
Summary: An allegory in pieces. You know how it ends.



Pieces: 3/6
Last Train Home
To carry home her little soldier


Adam had never enjoyed meeting people's families. Not even his friends' parents, when there was nothing more to worry about than whether they'd think he held his fork funny at dinner. It made him nervous, which made him introvert, which made him seem distant and standoffish, which made people dislike him on sight and because he knew that, it made him even more nervous, which made him introvert to the point of abject terror at making conversation and having quiet little internalised panic attacks that he had become very good at hiding.

He really didn't want to be here, standing awkwardly in the doorway while Jamie was smothered by adoring female family members. He didn't want them to gradually break off and hug him, as well, or have a small child bouncing at his feet and clinging to his leg before he'd even put his things down. But it was what Jamie wanted and it was only fair, considering the fact that he'd volunteered to spend twice as long in Seattle and this was likely to be the last chance he'd ever have to be with them. Seeing his radiantly happy smile made that fact all the more poignant.

Forcing a polite, pleasant smile of his own, he allowed himself to be swept along as they moved into a cavernous kitchen and were sat at a suitably large table and fed on Good Home-Cooked Food while small children climbed all over them both. He answered questions and nodded at stories and pushed himself through the motions because it was making Jamie happy and for now, that was all that mattered.

Later, they excused themselves from the rabble and Jamie took him for a walk down the hill to a lake he said they swam in as children. They sat on the banks for a while, and Jamie regaled him with stories of how happy they had been, until it got dark and his voice lost its excitable edge and all Adam could think of was that he was such an asshole for taking him away from what obviously meant so much to him.


Sumner was standing when Adam walked in and he neither told him to sit nor sat himself the whole time he was there. He just stared at him with the terrifyingly calm, cold eyes that so many officers seemed to have, after a while, and told him that he was being selected to join an expedition team to another galaxy. Just like that. Oh yeah, and it's probably one way, so you'd better go home and say your goodbyes.

He hadn't even realised he had an option until later. He was just going to live in another galaxy and was expected to accept it. He wasn't even sure he could believe it.

Telling Jamie was heartbreaking. He'd waited three days, sitting on his secret while hoping that they would be telling him, too, soon after – but there was nothing. Watching his face drain and his jaw set, and then having him walk out of their dorm room without saying another word was enough to make Adam seriously consider going back to Sumner and telling him, "I can't come to the Pegasus Galaxy, and you wouldn't want me there anyway, because I'm gay and I've been having a relationship with one of my subordinates for over a year."

When Adam had finally found him, Jamie was sitting on a crate in the barely-used armoury, still looking shell-shocked. Adam had opened his mouth to promise that he wouldn't go – that he would find some way to stay on Earth, even if it meant giving it all up. He'd come out, if necessary, face the consequences. Even the absolute worst case scenario was an improvement on never seeing him again; five years was nothing compared to a lifetime.

As it turned out, he hadn't needed to. Jamie had left their room and immediately gone to Dr. Weir, virtually prostrated himself at her feet begging to go with them. She'd listened impassively to his plea before telling him that on the list of potential team members she had asked Col. Sumner to make, he was number fourteen and they had wanted him on the expedition, anyway. He was special, she'd said, had a genetic variation that few people shared and that, in fact, she should have been begging him to come herself. They were hoping to secure a team of military personnel before they asked those with the ATA, but he would have been approached in time.

Then she had asked what his real reason was for wanting to go; he'd told her he had nothing to keep him on Earth.



Jamie still felt a little weird taking a 'boyfriend' to bed in his parents' house, simply because it was the room he'd grown up in and whenever he was in there he still felt like he was grounded for stealing his cousin's fiancé. They'd swapped the cabin bunk he'd had as a kid into Lucy's room and given him the double from Jerry's as soon as she was old enough to sleep in her own bed. He was pretty glad, because that would have been seriously embarrassing.

It was also strange seeing Adam in civvies. They'd had them at McMurdo, but never really got to wear them (most people didn't own clothes suited to sub-zero temperatures and once you'd been there a while, the cold seeped in to your bones so you were always frozen). He dressed more casually than Jamie really expected him to. Considering he had half been expecting argyle, the grey and red Adidas t-shirt and worn jeans was actually pretty hot. They made him seem younger; less uptight. But Adam had been in a strange mood all day, and Jamie wasn't sure if getting the clothes off him was going to happen any time soon.

He watched as Adam walked into the room and wandered to the window without saying anything.

"Adam, y'okay?" he asked quietly, pushing the door closed and moving over to rest his chin on the other man's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him so both of Adam's were pinned above the elbow.

"Sure," Adam replied, nodding vaguely.

"Would you tell me if you weren't?"

"Probably not."

And that right there was the problem with being in a relationship with a marine. They never fucking talked about anything important and they were so well-trained at hiding their feelings it was impossible to even make them if they didn't want to. Jamie was uncomfortably aware that it applied to him just as much as it did Adam, but he wasn't even sure what to do about that any more.

So he squeezed him a little tighter and muttered, "Right."

Adam sighed and pulled Jamie's hands away, gently. "I'm okay," he assured him again, turning around and perching on the windowsill. "I'm just tired and I'm in a strange house with people I don't know..."

"You know me..."

Adam just gave a small laugh and ran his fingers over the red 'Dexy's' motif on Jamie's t-shirt, the most relaxed he'd been all day.

"They like you, you know," Jamie told him, leaning against his knees and resting his wrists over his shoulders.

"Sure."

The sceptical tone in Adam's voice made Jamie want to laugh. "Hey, they're my family. I know. Mom gave you her favourite coffee mug – that's like being handed the keys to the city around here!" He grinned in what he thought was a reassuring manner, and stroked Adam's hair a little, "They're not that scary..."

"I know. They seem nice, I just... When you meet mine you'll get it."

Jamie gazed at him for a few long seconds, watching him fiddle with the strap of his watch, trying to figure out what Adam wasn't telling him. "So you wanna head to bed? It's been a long day and all..." he asked, instead. Maybe tomorrow Adam would be feeling a little more at home.

"It isn't even ten."

"Well, I figure that we could find a way to while away some of that time, huh?"



The next morning they were unceremoniously woken by a wild eight year old jumping on them, crying, "Jammy! Adam! Momma's making pancakes!"

Jamie gasped and grabbed at her bundling her up in his arms and setting her on the floor, while Adam turned crimson beside him. "Lucy-Louise what have you been told about knocking?" he asked, trying to sound as serious as possible without sounding annoyed. It was customary for her to come and wake him when he was on leave; she had no idea she'd done anything wrong, except what their mom had told her.

"I'm s'posed to knock when you have company," she said, pulling her best 'don't tell me off because I'm too cute' face.

"Right."

"But I did knock, Jammy! You didn't hear."

"Then wait until someone tells you to come in, you lil' monster," he told her, laughing and swiping at one of her braids. "Go on. Scram."

"Okay," she said innocently, and in the very same breath, "But why isn't Adam sleeping on the guest bed?"

Adam muttered something like, "Oh man..." and pulled his pillow over his head.

"Because Adam is my boyfriend," Jamie told her simply, "Remember how we talked about that when I came home last time?"

Lucy stared back at him with her eyes wide. "Like Stephanie and Bobby?"

"Yeah, just like that," he nodded, tugging on her hair, gently.

"Are you getting married, too? Can I be bridesmaid like Alice and Joanna? Pleeeeeeease? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE?"

"No, honey, we're not getting married. Now go downstairs and we'll talk about it at the table, okay?"

"'Kay!" she beamed and ran out of the door, before running straight back and singing, "JAMMY AND ADAM UP A TREE – " and darting off down the stairs, giggling.

Jamie laid back onto the bed heavily, and laughed.

"You told her about us," Adam said flatly.

"We don't keep stuff from her..."

"She's eight years old!"

"Honestly, she's fine. Listen to her – she's still singing."

Adam was still bright red as he thumped his pillow on to Jamie's stomach and said, "We'll bolt the door, tonight."

He couldn't help chuckling at him, as he lay there looking embarrassed and indignant. "Well, okay. If you insist." He rubbed at Adam's hair, which was sticking up slightly straighter than usual and leaned over to kiss him. "Good morning, by the way."

"Yeah, great," Adam muttered, rolling his eyes and smirking before climbing over him to get out of bed and find some clothes. He ducked down mid-way and kissed him back, then carried on as if nothing had happened at all.

Jamie figured that it was probably going to be a good day.



After breakfast, Adam was left in the kitchen with Jamie's mom while Jamie went to take a shower. He'd offered to help her with the dishes, but she had refused, telling him that he was a guest so he should just sit down and finish his coffee. So he did, feeling a little awkward, but growing more comfortable the more she spoke to him. She had treated him like one of the family from the moment he stepped through the door – they all had – and now, sitting with her in the kitchen while she gushed about her kids made him long to have had a mom like her. His own couldn't be more different.

"See that picture, right there?" she said, pointing to a large frame filled with trimmed-down images of five different children in various stages of youth. The picture she indicated was of a slightly chubby teenage boy, looking utterly miserable, sitting on the end of the couch next to two beaming girls.

"Is that Jamie?" The kid in the photo was almost unidentifiable as the broad-shouldered marine he'd met at McMurdo; except for his eyes. There was no mistaking those.

"Um-hm. That's my baby boy," she confirmed, drying off her hands. "That was his sixteenth birthday. It was right in the middle of 'Bradleygate', like Joni calls it."

Adam gave a small snort. He'd heard about The Bradley Situation; or, some of it.

"There was a time when I thought we'd be dealing with that forever," she told him, studying the picture herself. "Used to be that every time he came back on leave they'd do their little 'on again/off again' routine and Jammy would be moping around here like a wet weekend until he shipped back out.

"Then, he came home one time, and found Bradley had gone and got himself married and we all thought, 'Lord, please just make it all stop, now – give the child a break', although he was twenty-six years old by then, so not a child at all, really..." she stopped and studied him in a way that made him blush. He wasn't sure where this was going and was pretty sure that Jamie wouldn't have wanted him to know all this, else he would have said something. "And then," she added, squeezing his shoulder, "just about a year ago, he came back from the South Pole and said he'd found you. He's like a different person. He's just glowing like he hasn't done since he was a little boy."

Embarrassed, Adam opened his mouth to speak, but didn't know what to say. He thought of the way Jamie had refused to accept his uncertainty, and wondered if all this had happened because he was on the rebound from the guy who was apparently the love of his life.

"I guess I have a lot to live up to."

She gave him a wry smile and placed a reassuring hand on his cheek, "Sweetheart, don't you think you need to compete with Bradley for one moment! James is a young man who needs to take off his rose-tinted spectacles once in a while, but he's always been strong willed enough to know for himself what he wants. And to get it, if it was there to take.

"I know he's doing this for you. And I know he's making the best decision he has the choice to make, right now. Jammy just adores you – he didn't stop talking about you all the times he's been back here in this last year, so we all feel like we know you already... and wherever it is they're sending you boys that makes you so sure you won't be coming home, I'm glad to know that he's gonna have you right there with him. And I'm sorry we won't have a chance to get to know you a little better..." She withdrew her hand from his face and pressed her fingers over her mouth, taking a deep, shuddering breath. She turned away, "Oh, would you look at me? It isn't as if he's never been away before. You'd think I'd be used to all this, by now..."

It didn't seem to make a difference if she was; a moment later she let out a sob that made Adam wince and he awkwardly stepped over and hugged her. His family didn't hug.

He looked up when he heard movement in the hall; Jamie was leaning against the doorframe, caught somewhere between a smile and a sad frown. Adam offered an apologetic smile in return and gently pulled away, mumbling something about going to take his shower.

After that, the rest of the week actually seemed like a holiday.



A road trip had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Neither of them had had much opportunity to do it as kids, and they probably wouldn't have time to do it again, so they'd hired a car to make the journey that could have been made in a little more than a day, dragging it out over a week. The traffic back into the city had been insane, and they hadn't bothered to sleep the night before, eager to just get back and escape the hospitality of the North West's motels.

The suspicious glares of the staff had lost their novelty pretty quickly.

"She's still watching us," Adam hissed as they walked out of the reservations office, heading to the room across the parking lot.

"Then try not to look like you've got something to be guilty about."

"We just rented a double room, Jamie, what are we going to say? 'We thought we'd huddle to conserve body heat'? It's September!"

"You know what? I don't care. I'm too wasted to do anything, anyways. I just want to get in there and crash out."

Adam gave him an affronted look that made him grin. "I doubt that Col. Sumner would take 'I was wasted so we didn't do anything' as convincing evidence of heterosexuality."

"Right. 'Cause Dolly back there has a direct line to the President, like General Slaphead or O'Neill, who'll be just about itching to tell everyone two guys he's never met in his life are shacking up in one of her rooms. I'm sure they all have little slumber parties at those important political conferences and curl their hair and tell each other all about what their grunts have done."

"I just can't stand all these people knowing my business, that's all."

"Fine, tomorrow, we'll get a twin. It'll be just like being back on base. Y'happy?"

"No, 'cause now I'm thinking about places General Hammond could put curlers, and it's not something I ever wanted to consider. Thank you."

"My pleasure," Jamie smirked, shutting the motel room door and leaning back against it. "For my next trick, 'Grodin thinks Sheppard is doing' – drum roll – 'DR. MCKAY!'"

"Grodin is a sick, sick man. Now get over here."



When they walked into Adam's apartment in Seattle, Jamie had never been more glad to see a decent bed; or a comfortable sofa. They dropped their things in the hall and collapsed onto it, Jamie sprawled against the corner, Adam cross his lap with his face buried in the armrest. Neither of them said anything, and they didn't need to. They just lay there for the next half an hour, drowsing while Jamie's hand smoothed absently at the curve of Adam's spine.

He hadn't realised he was asleep until Adam was waking him up, shaking his shoulder and telling him he'd made dinner.

"You did?" he asked, rubbing at his face in a way he knew made him look 'adorable' (according to just about every woman in his family). "How long have I been asleep?"

"Just a couple of hours. I went down to the store and when I got back you were still curled up like a baby," Adam told him, pinching his cheek lightly and smiling at him in that way that made his eyes look soft and dopey.

"You should've woke me..."

"I just did," he said, smirking. "Are you hungry now, or do you want to wait until you've woke up a little?"

"No, now's fine – thank you so much. You didn't have to do this... we could've got take out."

"Don't get excited," Adam shrugged, looking wryly pleased with himself, and walking back out towards the kitchen. "It just came out of a jar, really."

Jamie hauled himself to his feet and followed, his vision still slightly bleary. He hadn't even looked into the kitchen when they first got there, and was amused, rather than surprised, at the immaculate neatness of it all. "So waddya make me?" he asked.

"Just pasta, nothing special. And it's not just for you, either," Adam told him, casting him a little grin. "If it was just for you I would have made you get take out."

After they'd eaten, they settled back on to the sofa wrapped comfortably around each other, talking while the TV filled the room with a pale flickering glow. The sound was turned down almost to mute, and neither of them were paying it any attention. Instead, they spoke in hushed, sleepy tones about leaving and packing and the personal items they were planning to take with them.

Jamie had spent most of the penultimate evening in Kansas uploading his record collection on to the brand new iPod they had bought him as a leaving gift. He was also smuggling in some photographs in his Bergen, some of his sisters and brother with their parents, one of all the younger kids - his cousins and nieces and nephews, of which there always seemed to be hundreds around – and one of the two of them, taken by his grandma, when they weren't looking. They were just sitting on the steps to the front of the house, Adam hugging one of his knees, Jamie reclining with his elbows on the step behind him. The leg that Adam wasn't hugging was draped across his lap, while he leaned back against the support for the porch. They just looked so comfortable; so relaxed. Adam had actually asked him not to bring it, convinced that it was evidence they couldn't refute.

"We look together," he argued, touching the corner and frowning. He'd covered the lower portion of the picture with his hand, so that the physical contact was hidden to see if it changed anything, and frowned more.

"No one has to see it but us. Or even just me, if it bothers you so much."

"You don't know what could happen – how they could search your stuff, Jamie! This is basically proof that we're together!"

"Okay, so I don't bring it; then what am I going to do if something happens to you?" Jamie had yelled at him eventually, frustrated and upset at the thought that one day a picture might be all he had left. "I don't want to forget you..."


Now, they had returned to the discussion they had been having before, and Jamie was calmly trying to explain why he wanted to take the picture with him while Adam had a neurotic fit about being found out and tried to hide it. To pretty much everyone else, Adam's tone would have appeared bored; weary of explaining himself, maybe. To Jamie he may as well have had flashing lights above his head reading, "Scared Out of My Fucking Mind".

In the end, he could see how worked up Adam was trying not to get, and conceded the argument, planning on smuggling it in, anyway. He turned instead to things they'd never had a chance to do before; sex in the living room, making a noise doing so, and actually leaving a hickey – somewhere it might be seen. Just because he could. Of course, as soon as Adam realised what it was and how visible it would be, he made him stop and was on the verge of going to make an icepack to put on it.

Jamie actually found it sort of funny. Adam didn't. By the time Jamie hauled him to his feet and made him stand gazing out of the window, Adam was on the verge of declaring the whole world was conspiring to out them so that they would be split up and sent to different corners of the Universe, just to be sure they were apart.

"Look out there," he told him, finally, wrapping both arms around him so he couldn't escape back to the security of the couch. "That's not a military base, Adam. That's Seattle. That's home for you. Right now, we're just civilians; you've got to believe that. You can't be on duty your entire life."

"I know that," he told him, tugging his arms out of Jamie's grip and wrapping them over the top, so their fingers laced. "Back when I met you I was just scared that they'd kick me out and take away my career; now..."

"We're going to another galaxy. We don't even know there's a whole city left and we might never be able to get back, so what're they going to do? Keep us in cells forever just to keep us separated? Put us on different shifts? Make us stand in the corner until we're sorry for what we've done?"

"They could stop one of us going."

The immediacy of his response threw Jamie for a second, and he dropped his arms. "You think they'd do that?"

"They need people with the gene, remember? You're indispensable to them."

"And you were the second person Sumner asked! That's got to mean something, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, it probably means I don't give him any crap. I think that'd probably change if he knew about us."

"Then we'll be careful. But it can't mean we live in fear of every tiny thing. If we did that we couldn't be any more than friends."

Adam gave a heavy sigh and shrugged him off. "Why do we do this to ourselves, Jay?"

"Do what?"

"Why do we put ourselves through so much for a career protecting a country that hates us?"

"I don’t know," Jamie sighed clinging to him fiercely, "But I’m not giving you up. I’m not losing you."

Adam squeezed back so hard Jamie was almost winded. “I’m not letting you go either.”

"Good," Jamie smiled. "'Cause you're stuck with me."

"You might feel different when you meet my family..." Adam smiled ruefully.

"Never going to happen."

"We'll see," he laughed weakly and held him tighter.



It was such a great feeling to flop down on to the grass late on a hot summer evening after spending the day playing in the yard with the kids. It was so long since either of them had had the chance to sit down and enjoy being outdoors. They'd walked up to the peak of the hill, where one side fell away in a low ridge, barely eight feet high, and a single tree teetered on the edge. The area immediately beneath it was grassy, just beyond the final field of corn, which was now just about to be harvested and towered high enough it was hard to see anything but the sky straight above as they passed through.

Jamie settled down on the ground and patted the space beside him, encouraging Adam to join him. He took one of Adam's beers and opened it with his keyring, before handing it back and looking up at the dark blue sky above them.

"So, which one is it?"

Adam blinked at him and followed his gaze for a moment, before turning back to his beer and shrugging, "I don't know."

Jamie opened his own bottle and pushed the others to one side, laying back and resting his head on one of his arms. He tried to remember all the constellations he'd learned in training, and gave up when he couldn't decide which star was Sirius. "I wish I knew."

"Ask McKay when we get to Colorado," Adam offered, sitting hunched over his knees and fiddling with his shoelace. "He knows everything, apparently."

"Are you kidding?! He'd probably want payment in blood."

"Or Power Bars."

Jamie laughed and pulled at Adam's t-shirt, "Why don't you come down here a little?"

Adam seemed to hesitate before shifting and stretching out on his stomach beside him. As an after thought, he shifted a little nearer, so that his arm rested against Jamie's shoulder. "We're really doing this, aren't we?"

"Leaving, or hiding up on the ridge drinking like we're not legal yet?"

"Leaving."

Jamie sighed and smiled at him, "Yeah, we are."

"And you're sure this is what you want to do?"

"No less than you are."

"Good answer. Evasive."

"Oh, I can be real smart for a pretty country boy..."

Adam smirked and reached out to rub at Jamie's chest affectionately, before staring down the neck of his beer bottle and slipping back to his wistful mood. Jamie wedged his own beer against a tuft of grass out of the way, and rolled over to face him.

"So, are you pissed at me, or something general?"

"It's not that I'm pissed..." Adam sighed and tugged at blades of grass beneath his fingers.

"What, then? C'mon, Adam, you're worrying me."

Adam made a small tutting noise and rested his head on his arms. "I just can't even begin to explain how much it means to me that you would do this when we might never be able to come home."

"I'm a marine. I've made a career out of 'I might never come home'. They know that; I know that. And this time, we're just going on some kind of really extreme science camp so I guess there's more chance of us coming home than if I stayed here and they had me shipped back out to the fucking Middle East."

"I just don't want you to think that you have to because of me. I couldn't live with the idea of –"

"Well, you don't have to. I'm doing this for me. I'm gonna go to another galaxy! How cool is that? I mean – yeah, it's great that I get to go with you, but – "

"You're a liar, Sgt. Markham," Adam told him, softly, giving a sad but grateful little smile.

"Shh. Just play along, okay? 'Cause you're not getting rid of me that easily. I'm coming to Pegasus, end of story."

"What if you get there and figure that actually, you're bored of me and you wish you'd never left? What then?"

Jamie laughed at him, "Oh sure, 'cause that'll happen!" He stopped laughing when he realised that Adam wasn't. "Hey, will you listen to me? I love my family – they're crazy, but I love them – but you mean everything to me. I want this."

Adam shifted and rested his forehead on Jamie's shoulder instead, "You're always such an optimist."

"And you worry too much." He slid the arm out from under his head and wrapped both around Adam until he gave in and rested all his weight on him instead. "I guess it's lucky we've got each other to stay somewhere in the middle, huh?"

"You just figured that out?"

"Did you?"

"Fifteen months ago, maybe..."

Jamie felt his heart leap. "Really?"

"Give or take."

"Right. So, is this you doing the whole declaring undying love, thing?" Jamie teased gently, hoping for actual confirmation. Adam just raised his head and looked at him for a moment before flopping on to his back.

"Look at that," he muttered, instead. "Shooting star."

"Cute. Waddya wish for?"

"I didn't. It's just a chunk of space debris breaking through the atmosphere."

"Then why d'you call it a 'shooting star'?" Jamie asked, laughing at him playfully. "You have no romantic streak at all, do you?"

"You're talking to a thirty-year old marine, not a fifteen year old girl."

"Good. I'm glad. Because that would be so many kinds of messed up..."

He was pleased when Adam laughed and looked over at him, reaching out his hand for him to take. Instead, Jamie crawled nearer and lay back down with his head rested on Adam's chest; then took the hand offered. They lay like that for a long time, comfortable and content, nothing to disturb them or break the peace. It wasn't until he felt himself drifting off a little that Jamie turned over and pulled himself up, level with Adam. The other man blinked at him languidly, and leaned fractionally closer for a kiss.

"Adam," Jamie murmured, as he broke off and nuzzled into his neck, closing his eyes, "you need to know something." He felt Adam turn his head to look down at him as best he could (imagining the worst, knowing Adam), so Jamie smiled as he said, "This has been the best year of my life."

There was a little pause as Adam decided how to respond this. It was so like him to eventually ask, "Because of all those snowmen?"



Sitting down with Adam's family and trying to make conversation was a little like chewing glass. A tense hush of forced civility hung between Adam and his father. Opposite him, Adam's sister, Maggie, chewed on her hair, casting him 'Why did you come here and subject yourself to this?' glances at every subtly cutting comment that passed them by.

He was starting to see what Adam meant about being nervous around his own family, as well as everyone else's. He had thought that the Marine Corps had made Adam into the straight-edge, emotionally constricted guy he'd met at McMurdo; boy had he been wrong.

"By the way, baby," his mother began, putting down her tea neatly, and smiling at him as if she was placating a psychopath, "don't be mad, but I invited Anna to dinner tonight."

He glanced at Adam to see his face had paled and his dark eyes looked flat, the way they did when he was snapping down on his expressions in front of an officer. "You didn't."

"Oh, honey, she has just as much right to say goodbye as we all do."

"You had no right to do that," Adam told her, his voice taking on a steely edge and sounding protractedly controlled. Jamie could practically feel him vibrating with anger on the loveseat beside him.

"She had every right," his father snapped from his chair in the corner, mostly hidden behind a broadsheet. "It's your mother's house."

Adam got to his feet stiffly. "This isn't about whose house this is."

"Sweetie, she still loves you. It'd break her heart if you left without saying goodbye..."

"Again."

Jamie's breath caught in his chest. What the fuck - ?

"Mom, please." The frantic pleading in his eyes told Jamie that Adam hadn't wanted any of this to come out; and definitely not like this.

"You married her," his father told him, a slight smugness in his voice as he caught Jamie's eye over his newspaper.

For a moment, the words caused a soft, silent hum in the room; no one moved a muscle until Adam finally turned and stared at his father. And then at Jamie, who stared back at him, confused and hurt and confused and uncomfortable, but mostly really, really confused. And then Adam looked for a moment like he wanted to actually say something – he opened his mouth just a tiny bit, and gazed down at him helplessly – but no words came, and suddenly he had turned and left and the swing-door to the kitchen flapped noisily back and forth to the crash of the front door slamming shut.

Gobsmacked by what he had just heard, waiting for it to settle in and not knowing what would be the politest thing to do, Jamie stayed sitting where he was. His family bitched and fought sometimes, but not like this. Every word was arranged to be as hurtful as possible; clearly, they knew Jamie hadn't known. He still couldn't quite grasp the concept even as he sat there; words still hung in the atmosphere and he found himself wondering if this was why Adam had been so tense for the past couple of weeks.

He was relieved when Maggie finally said, "You should probably go after him," flatly, still chewing on her hair.

He didn't need telling twice.

Walking out on to the street, he was afraid that this had already caused more damage than Adam was capable of forgiving himself. Jamie was angry, in a way – and hurt, because he'd told Adam about Bradley; told him everything about all the trouble he had caused, and yet Adam hadn't told him something as important as this, in return – but he wouldn't allow himself to make anything of it. That would mean Adam's parents had won, and he didn't want that; as much for the sake of his own pride as Adam's.

The street was empty, and although he looked both ways and called his name, there was no sign of him. He had no idea what to do, now. Jamie had never been to Seattle before, and definitely not the suburbs, and he had no idea if there was somewhere Adam would go – somewhere he was familiar with, or which meant something to him - or if he had just gone for a long walk to clear his head. He did know, however, that there was no way that he was going back inside until he had Adam with him, so he took a deep breath and set off down the sidewalk, gazing down driveways and feeling dismally like he was searching for a lost pet.

He had only gone a few metres when he heard someone call his name, and turned back, surprised to see Maggie had chased after him.

"Hey," she said, grabbing his arm with the sleeve of her sweater pulled down over her hand, "Listen, he'll be at the playground. You should go there."

"Playground?"

"There's a park down that way," she told him, gesturing the way he had been headed, "go to the merry-go-round. Never fails."

"Okay, thanks."

"And Jamie?"

He stopped and looked at her; there was a distinct family resemblance around the eyes and mouth.

"Don't let what mom and dad said get to you. He only did it because they wanted him to. Talk to him. He tries, sometimes, but Athy's been so fucked up by mom and dad... Over-looked middle-kid syndrome, y'know?"

Jamie nodded, not sure what to say, other than to ask what 'Athy' meant.

"I'll see you later," she said, finally letting him go, and pushing a chunk of hair back between her teeth.

Jamie just sighed and turned back to go and find Adam.



It felt like a little piece of the world had ended; not total Armageddon, because he was still sitting there, watching an otherwise unchanged world revolve idly around him, but enough that things couldn't be the same any more. He'd fucked up. Large style. There had been so many moments when he could have told him – should have done – and he hadn't. He'd buried his head in the sand, and pretended it wasn't important and that soon enough they'd be in Pegasus and there wouldn't be anyone to tell him any different.

He didn't know what would happen, now. He just figured that if, whenever he managed to drag himself back to the house, Jamie was still around, he'd offer to take him home to get his things, and then drop him off at the airport or the train station, or something. At least that way he could get home and not waste his last couple of weeks; or decide not to come to Pegasus period.

But the thought of that was enough to press the heels of his hands into his eyes and try to wish the world away.

He hadn't wanted any of this in the first place, that was what got to him the most. His whole childhood had been one long, hayfevery summer of 'You're not on the sports teams like Peter' and 'You just aren't as creative as Magdalene'. Thirty years old, and now the story was, 'Aren't Peter's children perfect? Aren't they clever? Aren't we lucky to have such a wonderful daughter-in-law?' and 'Tell Maggie how wonderful her new painting is. You can see where all the talent went in this family.'

It had been part of his reason for leaving for the military. He'd grown up fascinated by guns and tanks and warships and the prospect of escaping this continuous need to prove himself to his parents was so appealing. He hadn't realised until he'd come home on leave with good news that he had been saving for weeks – that he had made corporal, after being passed over twice – and his father had immediately countered with, "Maggie had her poem read out in class and Peter's applying for his boss's job", he realised that that was all it had ever been about. Impressing his parents. Maybe if he went and fought for his county – or if the military gave him ranks as proof of his achievements and of his value ... then maybe they'd care.

Well, so much for that. He'd ended up wondering if death in the field would even register with them, and come to the conclusion that they'd only consider it proof that he was a failure, anyway.

And maybe they were right, because the first good thing that had happened to him for as long as he could remember was about to walk away from him, as well.

He didn't realise Jamie had found him until he sat down on the faded wooden slats beside him. They had been painted in primary colours, years ago, when Adam and Peter were small. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, leaning back against the central axis and just wanting this to be over as quick as possible because it was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

But nothing happened. They sat there in silence almost with their backs to each other, the merry-go-round spinning slowly, for nearly a quarter of an hour before Jamie sighed and asked, "Well?"

Ashamed, Adam felt his chin drop, and leaned forward to rest his head on his drawn-up knees. "I'm sorry," he offered quietly.

He heard Jamie give a long breath and waited for him to speak. When he didn't, Adam decided to bite the bullet and at least give Jamie a way out of the situation. He didn't deserve this.

"Listen... I'll take you back to get your things, you can take a train or something. Go home. I'll see you in Colorado in a couple of weeks, maybe..." He was amazed how casual his voice sounded; all he really wanted to do was bury his face in Jamie's shoulder and beg for forgiveness. He could see him turn to stare at him, out of the corner of his eye, and the soft, 'Sure' felt like a bayonet in the chest.

And he actually knew what one of those felt like.

Climbing to his feet, he stopped the merry-go-round and held out his hand to help Jamie up. It hurt even more when Jamie took his hand and gazed up at him with such overwhelming sadness and disappointment in his eyes. He wanted to say something – tell him how he felt, that he loved him, that he was sorry and he was stupid and that he had never meant him to find out like this – but the words stuck in his chest, and instead, he untangled Jamie's burning fingers from his own, and turned to walk to the street.

They walked back to the house in silence. Maggie was waiting for them on the steps when they returned, chewing her knitted sleeve, as well as her hair and she must have guessed from the looks on their faces that things hadn't gone well. She stood and demanded, "What's happening?" as they walked up the steps to the porch. "Athy?"

He cast her a miserable glance, assuming she'd get the message. Behind him, he heard her turn and ask, "Jamie?" instead.

All Jamie managed was a weak, "Sorry..."



Walking back into the house to the sound of Adam's parents laughing together in the sitting room, made Jamie feel sick. He blamed them for this; and yet, they were laughing and acting as if nothing had changed. He stopped outside the door, his fingers curling into fists, wanting to tell them what complete bastards they both were, but Maggie's hand on his arm stopped him.

"Don't bother," she shrugged, looking exhausted and strained, "It won't change them."

He sighed and nodded, not wanting to speak, lest he should make things worse.

"Are you giving up on him?" Maggie asked, quietly challenging. Her eyes defiant and knowing; daring him to say yes. "Do you have any idea how much he loves you?"

He gazed up the stairs towards the guestroom, the one that had once been Adam's while Peter's was kept almost as a shrine to his teenage self. He thought he had known, even if they had never said it in a year and a half of knowing each other. And yet, here they were.

"He wants me to leave," he said, no one in particular. He couldn't quite believe any of this was happening and what else was there to say? This morning he had woken up the happiest he'd ever been, tangled up with the guy he'd been expecting to spend the rest of his life with, and now it didn't look like they'd be spending the rest of the day together.

"You're crazy," Maggie's voice told him, although he continued staring up towards the room where they had left their over-night stuff. "He doesn't want you to leave. And you don't want to go. Quit playing the martyr and fucking tell him so."

Jamie glanced at her, about to explain, when Adam's leaden footsteps returned and headed down the stairs towards them. Silently, he handed Jamie his bag, and walked out of the still-open door.

"ADAM!" Maggie called after him, sounding furious, but Adam just ignored her and went to get in the car. "Stupid bastard! You just can't help yourself, can you?" she muttered, before turning to glare at Jamie, instead. "You let him fuck this up, and you're a bigger moron than you look."

He walked back down the drive and climbed into the passenger seat of the car without ever answering.

Adam didn't start the engine right away. He just sat staring at the steering wheel with a lost expression on his face until Jamie said, "Why do I feel so guilty when I didn't even -?"

"I know I screwed up, okay?" Adam snapped back, turning the key in the ignition, "Don't make this harder than it already is."

"For who? I'm the one who has to go home and explain this to the family you just met."

"I'm sorry I put your pride on the line," he replied flatly and pulled out on to the street. In the mirror, Jamie could see Maggie sitting down heavily on the front steps.

"This isn't about my fucking pride, Adam, it's about ruining everything we had planned."

He waited for Adam to at least try to justify it; or say anything, but he just concentrated on driving.

"I don't want to go back the apartment," Jamie told him, as they sat at a junction, waiting to be let out into the traffic.

"You want me to mail your things back?"

"No. I want to go some place and work this out, because I don't understand why you're breaking up with me when I'm not the one who just had the fact they've got an ex-wife blown out and I don't even think it's something we need to be acting like this over!"

There was a heavy silence for a few moments, and Jamie knew from the feeling in his stomach that what was coming wasn't going to be something he wanted to hear.

"I don't have an ex-wife," Adam corrected quietly, "I have a wife."

Jamie leaned his head back against the seat and tried to breathe around his contracted chest and the lump in his throat. "Great."

"We're separated, but she still thinks we're going to get back together. So do my parents."

"Right." He watched Adam's knuckles whiten on the wheel.

"Still wanna talk it out?" Adam asked sarcastically.

"I think you owe me an explanation at least. How long ago did you even leave?"

"Nine and a half years."

The words made Jamie blink at the car roof several times in surprise.

"We hadn't even been married a month."

"What?"

"She was my best pal's sister – I never wanted to do any of it, I just sort of got pressured into marrying her. And it made everyone else happy, so I just didn't argue. And then I woke up the morning after, in the hotel, and I'm in bed with a girl I loved like I love Maggie and all I could think was that I couldn't go to Hell for any amount of sin, now, because I was living it."

Jamie turned his head to gaze at him, still leaning back against the headrest. Adam's voice was so drained and hollow. He sounded so beaten, as if he just couldn't be bothered to even be upset anymore. Tentatively, he reached out and ran his fingers over the nape of Adam's neck.

"Jamie, I'm driving."

"Pull over."

"We're not there, yet."

"I don't care. Pull over. Now."

Sighing, Adam pulled them off the road and into a gravely lay-by, "If you're getting out, walk facing the traffic. Too many people get killed on this road because there are no sidewalks."

"Lucky I'm not getting out, then," Jamie told him, undoing his seatbelt and turning in his seat to face him.

Adam just sat there chewing his lip.

"You really should've just told me."

"I wanted to, but then I found out about what happened before and I just couldn't. 'By the way, Jamie, I was talking to your mom and she said the love of your life married some girl while you were busy getting yourself shot in the Middle East – and guess what! I'm already married! Two for two!'

"What would you have done?"

"Firstly, he wasn't the love of my life; secondly, you had a year and a half to find a way to tell me, idiot."

Adam closed his eyes and rubbed at is forehead. "I should have."

"Damn right, you should have! I felt like a complete moron sitting there knowing that your mom and dad knew I didn't know and having them think I'm some confused kid being led on by the crazy straight guy!"

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Jamie. I tried to warn you... There's a kinda pseudo-conspiracy between my parents, Anna and Casey – that's Carl's widow – they just have this stupid idea that the military gave me some kind of messed up shellshock and that this is all some kind of psychological war wound. The think they can fix me and get me back together with Anna, and then I won't be such an embarrassment."

"And by not getting the divorce, you were trying to convince yourself that you weren’t an embarrassment either?"

Adam dropped his gaze to his lap and took a stuttering breath.

"You're not an embarrassment," Jamie told him softly, reaching out to turn his head towards him, feeling overwhelmed with tenderness and wanting so much just to stop Adam's self-doubt spreading any further. "You're amazing. You're the best fucking marine I've ever met – I mean, you really believe in what you and you love it so much, and you're good at it – and you are one of the kindest, strongest people I've ever known. And I watched my mum nurse my dad through cancer for four years..." He broke off for a moment. He didn't remember his real dad that well, any more. As far he was concerned, Jimmy was his dad because it was Jimmy who helped raise him. "You're also as hot as hell," he told him, grinning slightly, trying to raise a smile from Adam, too.

"You don't have to say that."

"I know I don't, but hey, I'd do you," Jamie joked and was glad when it coaxed a smirk from the other marine. He sighed deeply. "Listen, I am totally pissed that you never told me about Anna, and I could kill your parents for what they tried to do to us, but I am not going anywhere. I told you already, you're stuck with me... Unless you really want me to go."

"I never wanted you to go!"

"That's not how it sounded."

Adam stared at him, looking stunned and a little horrified. "I almost ruined my life again, didn't I?"

"Almost," Jamie nodded, smiling slightly at the look on his face. "Assuming you don't want to go get my things and send me back to Kansas, anymore."

"I never wanted to! I thought – I was trying to make it easier for you..."

Jamie burst out laughing. He couldn't help it, he just laughed and leaned over to drag Adam into a crushing hug, even though the seatbelt was in the way, "You're crazy. Totally crazy."

"I'm sorry, Jay, I'm really, really sorry..." Adam murmured into his shoulder clinging to him like he was about to be snatched away.

"Hey, shh, it's okay – really, it's okay." He pulled back and kissed him, resting their foreheads together. "So, how about we go back to the apartment for a while and then go show your ex-wife – and she's definitely your ex because she's going to have to fight me for you, and I have a gun – show her, and you mom and dad, what sort of 'phase' this is, huh?"

Adam blinked at him for a minute, and then hurriedly started the car up again, as if he expected him to change his mind. Just before they pulled back out onto the road, he hesitated and said, "Wait, there's something else you should know..."

Jamie gazed at him apprehensively; there couldn't be anything else...

Adam gave a little wry smile and said, "My mom's a really, really bad cook."

---

Part Four